I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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