A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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