Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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