all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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