I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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