Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
