and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My hand turned me down
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
