So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
