My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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