chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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