i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
