I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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