This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
