Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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