wat bout pragnant strippers??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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