I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
