She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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