I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
