my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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