I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
