I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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