I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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