she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
