He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
