mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
