According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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