Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
just found out that she named her cat after me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
