my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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