remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
