This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
