I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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