you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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