how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
