hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
