I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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