Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
