Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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