Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
