a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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