Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
