she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
