We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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