I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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