Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
