made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
