a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
