Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
