Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
