i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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