I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
