I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
